Demons

Gristle in my teeth
After this dinner party has disbanded and I wait for a sign that maybe you should make the first move and I wouldn’t look so fucking desperate

GOD (I use this word in type never, now take the meaning and absorb it in your flesh) I hate this moment and wish it to pass so I could feel whole again, because while you are smiling and life is going well I am ready to drop the hat and pull a new rabbit to suffice this dark that I am

Every one says so. I  am dark with out you in my life, and as dark as I am with you, I am so much darker alone that it scares me away from myself. So dark that my smile hurts because it cracks my face and lets darker out.

FUCK THIS MOMENT AND FUCK ME FOR FEELING ALIVE! I welcome with open arms…..

I even consider the needle. Not the one of Hero, but those of dark inks and smile-pain.

Wasting away in this fog of light and scorn, of scorn? Yes, scorn my self for the thoughts that I corrupt us with, dreamt of you last month now, longer with each passing letter I t y pe f  u   r  t    h    e    r   apart to create soliloquy in my heart.

Beat the box boom chaka boom chaka KABOOM CHAKA!!!

I will not call nor write anymore, it hurts too great to hear, too great to see. I wait the moment that I am again

I AM again

Growing stronger in ways that I wish I were not

Alone

Thinks, sitting here,

Rain hits the second layer of double Pained glass

Traffic swallows the sounds of the rain, making me wonder if I should stay

My blinds drawn, but not closed, and I think in this giant city, there must be someone watching me

"Where are you when I really need you?"  I think to myself and realize that the words were actually spoken and I seizure knocking over a cup of tea and scaring my cat.

I went over board, hurt my "s"-elf, at least it wasn’t the ones I loved, but I cant stop shaking now,  at least I am comfortable with myself and alone.

I should think in more seriousness about staying or going, my time is short and I should decide where I belong. In a vision I saw myself and my cat, following me

Damn

I am beat today. One can only handle so many late nights, no matter what they consist of. There are too many of these in row lately, I am beginning to think that I may have a habit of ignoring sleep and things that healthily go along with it. They usually end with a bottle of wine, a whole bottle and just me. I need to switch to scotch… Or maybe something less in the way of gasoline taste.

Its good and fine though. I brainstormed new ways of free market economy, of new community. I booked hotels in Laos and Vietnam. Had semi intelligent conversation about the state of our world, the progress of of our people, and the places I wish to be.

I looked out of windows that were moist and foggy due to a precipitation that struck us all by surprise, drank tea and starved my body of natural resources.

I was at one time myself and no one as I sat and listened deep in the recess. Deep in the super conscious demi-godical ego who rests in my heavy head. I am at the breaking point now. things are about to happen. Things. These options have come to fruition.