Winter becomes colder today
All it takes is a silent ring, a hello, and …"have you received any bad news today"?
Already knew, my heart sinks,
"Who?"
A freak accident
A young man
An old friend
We are not taught to deal with Death
Not taught to respect, to understand
Old Friend
I will miss you greatly
Little stresses and interesting dreams as usual, what else
is there to say? I am still human.
I woke up this morning.
Damn
I am beat today. One can only handle so many late nights, no
matter what they consist of.
It’s good and fine though. I looked out of windows all night that were moist
and foggy due to a precipitation that struck us all by surprise, drank tea and
starved my body of natural resources that should be deep in the super conscious
demi-godical ego, the one who rests in my heavy head. I am at the breaking
point now. Things are about to happen. Things.
Traffic swallowed the sounds of the rain, making me wonder if I should stay. I
think in this giant city, there must be someone watching me as watch this giant
city.
"Where are you when I really need you?" I think to myself and
realize that the words were actually spoken and I seizure knocking over a cup
of tea and scaring my cat. I scared myself more then the cat realizing that I
am shaking uncontrollably and wish I could let a tear free from the prison they
are kept.
I should think in more seriousness about staying or going, my time is short and
I should decide where I belong. In a vision I saw myself and my cat, following
me
12 minus
Ever time listless and wait with the disease around the waist
and the bottles of scotch and vodka in the board
and glass with one cube drained
These daily
These ritual
These Thoughts
Ever time lasts and I am bored and reckless cause for disrupt and I don’t think you care
And the bottles don’t drunk
The Ice doesn’t cool
Memories of you
Memories of family
Memories of blood and screams
I push back in my throat swallow vomit and walk
You are out there and it would be nice to know
This silence silent cause causes and I am loosing patience and wont be a patient in that damn ward again
…..12 minus and counting
Making them to toe that submarine, the alligator, SS Alligator to be more accurate. It is getting kind of old, all these boats, and its gettin cold int he morning and last night we hit the low of the season. Y
ou ever see a 19Th century tug boat, civil war era? They don’t look all that different then we have now, maybe a bit smaller, and dirtier.
If you don’t know, I am not actually building a freakin boat, its all virtual, I spend most of my time, most all day every day save the sabbath, in a environment where I build worlds, and boats, that look real, move real, cant touch or smell them, but for all intents an purposes, I create a real space and time.
It can get confusing, makes me want to talk in prose and and where the separation comes in to play; You can NOT press ctrl Z to undo in the real world, unfortunately.
I am double posting this…..
I fell, feel like I killed something important by accident
I can be a real FXCKING idiot sometimes
You have to cross out the "U" in a word with foxr letters or it hurts peoples little dangling parts
The ones that I may have inadvertently cut with my finger scalpel
My energy levels are way up
Even this dreary grey (have you looked outside today?) hasn’t gotten me down
and my problems they stem from the heart
I was thinking about cutting mine out and serving it for dinner
It is done with frogs, and at the moment I don’t feel too different
Not even one that contains a prince, a frog prince that is
As I said, or didn’t say but was thinking it and damn-it you should have heard it
Or maybe you shouldn’t have but your about to
There are cars whizzing by at tremendous speeds in heavy rains and people are dying outside in reckless smiles and metals that twist around their bodies at over 100 miles per hour and not one of them sees me sitting here watching the world move
motionless out side
of time, I have to be timeless to get this one right
This one seems a little bit more complicated then the others
(This is the point where I put the "She" in because it always revolves around a Life or a Death)
She doesn’t remember my name, smell, touch, taste
My voice is a distant accident to her and I really did care, a lot
I made every move that I shouldn’t have and then suddenly realized and feared and suddenly realized
I am now growing indifferent, impatient, and hungry
It was so scream shout and why, but suddenly is not and I AM is returned to me and I AM
I take my winter jacket and crawl inside, making sure to bring my half-insanity with me
I look at her picture in my 3rd eye and it almost sheds a tear, then it grows strong
A deep breath, one worthy of meditation
My lips curl at one end as the future rushes my winds
Gristle in my teeth
After this dinner party has disbanded and I wait for a sign that maybe you should make the first move and I wouldn’t look so fucking desperate
GOD (I use this word in type never, now take the meaning and absorb it in your flesh) I hate this moment and wish it to pass so I could feel whole again, because while you are smiling and life is going well I am ready to drop the hat and pull a new rabbit to suffice this dark that I am
Every one says so. I am dark with out you in my life, and as dark as I am with you, I am so much darker alone that it scares me away from myself. So dark that my smile hurts because it cracks my face and lets darker out.
FUCK THIS MOMENT AND FUCK ME FOR FEELING ALIVE! I welcome with open arms…..
I even consider the needle. Not the one of Hero, but those of dark inks and smile-pain.
Wasting away in this fog of light and scorn, of scorn? Yes, scorn my self for the thoughts that I corrupt us with, dreamt of you last month now, longer with each passing letter I t y pe f u r t h e r apart to create soliloquy in my heart.
Beat the box boom chaka boom chaka KABOOM CHAKA!!!
I will not call nor write anymore, it hurts too great to hear, too great to see. I wait the moment that I am again
I AM again
Growing stronger in ways that I wish I were not
Alone
Thinks, sitting here,
Rain hits the second layer of double Pained glass
Traffic swallows the sounds of the rain, making me wonder if I should stay
My blinds drawn, but not closed, and I think in this giant city, there must be someone watching me
"Where are you when I really need you?" I think to myself and realize that the words were actually spoken and I seizure knocking over a cup of tea and scaring my cat.
I went over board, hurt my "s"-elf, at least it wasn’t the ones I loved, but I cant stop shaking now, at least I am comfortable with myself and alone.
I should think in more seriousness about staying or going, my time is short and I should decide where I belong. In a vision I saw myself and my cat, following me
Damn
I am beat today. One can only handle so many late nights, no matter what they consist of. There are too many of these in row lately, I am beginning to think that I may have a habit of ignoring sleep and things that healthily go along with it. They usually end with a bottle of wine, a whole bottle and just me. I need to switch to scotch… Or maybe something less in the way of gasoline taste.
Its good and fine though. I brainstormed new ways of free market economy, of new community. I booked hotels in Laos and Vietnam. Had semi intelligent conversation about the state of our world, the progress of of our people, and the places I wish to be.
I looked out of windows that were moist and foggy due to a precipitation that struck us all by surprise, drank tea and starved my body of natural resources.
I was at one time myself and no one as I sat and listened deep in the recess. Deep in the super conscious demi-godical ego who rests in my heavy head. I am at the breaking point now. things are about to happen. Things. These options have come to fruition.
I close on my my new place today, Sign what sounds like a book of papers on Monday. Yay. Good times.
Strange days when Summer vacates in a matter of hours, heat enough to sweat in the morning and by eve the seasons have turned and the sky is gray once again with the threat of water. It could be a good winter.
For all those interested I am in the process of a series of art that in the hope of a gallery show early next year. Maybe not the head but at least the neck of it.
Things have good momentum now, little stresses and interesting dreams as usual, what else is there to say. I am still human.
I woke up this morning.
To let you know
I am in my own life
Making my own moves
Building my own castles
Burning my own bridges
I do all of this
With out your ways
Every day
I think you might be gone a bit further
and the silence
makes
for a good
story……………
